Political analysis
We need more unborn soldiers!
Support Our Unborn Troops
- By The Beast
- September 08, 2006
Would you step on a helpless caterpillar, destroying its chance of becoming a beautiful butterfly? Would you stunt the growth of your children with cigarettes and heroin, killing your dream of grooming them into moneymaking tennis pros? Would you cook an omelet with bald eagle eggs, depriving the world one of God’s most majestic creatures – even if you had an unclaimed excess in deepfreeze that you were just going to throw out anyway? Would you stab Lord Christ in both eyes with red-hot hedge clippers? Of course not, so why kill a potential life for the benefit of an existing one? Especially a life that may yet grow up to defend your freedom from the multiplying terrorist hordes. Hordes that will only continue increasing in number, due to the benevolent presence of yet other unborn American occupiers. It is the opinion of this pundit that only the most treasonous could fail to support the sanctity of the lives of the potential future troops.
With the first veto of his presidency, Bush has once again demonstrated his sharp moral clarity and intellectual prowess, proving himself as a leader with a keen grasp of scientific and geopolitical ethics. By striking down a wayward bill for federally funded stem cell research, W is not only obeying the will of God and playing to the GOP’s evangelical base, but also helping to create our next generation of Iraq liberators. Though it has not been confirmed that the administration has an actionable plan for spawning a stem cell army, it is clearly in the national interest to thaw all embryonic stem cells and shove them into vacant American boxes across the heartland – for the defense of the nation. By forcibly implanting all fertile trailer trash in the red states, we could birth us up a military force capable of certain global hegemony! We would be foolish not to. After all, it would help stem the rampant sin of menstruation. Oh, those poor defenseless eggs, all they ever wanted was a chance to combine their genetic material with an intrepid spermatozoa and develop sentience, and now they’re in hell, shining the hooves of Satan. Breaks the heart almost as much as the thought of the terrorists destroying our values.
These United States are, by all accounts, stuck in an intractable quagmire until the end of all time. The president has clearly stated our policy to stay the course in Iraq, and with military recruitment numbers still in the dumpster, we are going to need those brave American blastocysts to promote democracy in the Middle East and beyond. The War on Terror has no end in sight, as we trend toward calling certain folks terrorists and others allies, irrespective to either party’s actions. It’s the new Red Scare. A new game of Islamo-fascist dominos.
It would be a shame to waste human life before it can be wasted where God intended: on the battlefield. Both Iraq and Afghanistan continue to tailspin into chaos and sectarian violence. There’s Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, oh my. And let’s not forget the other 40-some-odd nations hosting U.S. troops internationally. Plus, it takes a lot of manpower to run the permanent bases we have spread across some 50 countries worldwide. Growing tensions with quantifiably evil regimes such as Syria, Iran and N. Korea may yet add extra helpings to our military plate. With global powers struggling to control dwindling petroleum supplies and other natural resources, we won’t need just active combat units but also unknown amounts of special forces operatives to train numerous worldwide death squads and proxy armies in places like Somalia, Ethiopia, Venezuela and oil rich Nigeria. And for the love of Jesus, let’s not forget the amount of soldiers required to operate clandestine terrorist detention camps around the globe! I cannot bear to think of a tussle with Russia or China. Now that’s a tall order! It’s a tough moral dilemma: the cure for Parkinson’s or the death of freedom and a reign of tyranny. It is safe to say the president made the right call.
While the president’s effort to put potential boots on the ground is valiant, it may yet prove futile. Evil scientists with their agenda of “knowledge” will not stand idly by watching stem cells not go to waste, not as long as there is private sector cash involved. A majority of the American public is in favor of stem cell research, and the promise of cures for all types of degenerative neural disorders will translate into economic incentives, with funding coming directly from universities and Michael J. Fox. With the baby-boomers quickly succumbing to senility and more and more troops coming back from Iraq with permanently injured spinal cords, there certainly is a growing demand. The beauty of the free market indeed.
Now don’t be fooled into thinking we could simply re-grow the limbs and fix the spines of our brave vets. It’s theoretically possible but only by federally funding the murder of potential human life. Not like embryonic stem cells forced into an impoverished human existence and subjected to “The Ride of the Valkyries,” at intense volume levels, for the duration of their uterine development. After they’re born: neglect, the willfully dilapidated public education system and endlessly droning jingoism of the media will whip them into the brave, unthinking killing machines they deserve to become and which our country so desperately needs.
We have set a course in our foreign policy since the tragic events of 9/11. A course requiring rigidity in our hypocritical values as war loving Christians. We must have firmness in our obsession with commercial growth, economic gain and worldwide military dominance, even in the face of imminent destruction by shadowy killers. We can never let the terrorists rob us of our values as a nation, even if we have to kill every one of them to protect the sanctity of life, and by letting stem cells have the chance to flourish into ruthless killing machines, we can do just that. I only wish we could genetically engineer them to have super-human abilities, ensuring a victory in the war on terror, but we can’t do that because it would be immoral. And in this battle we need the moral high ground to prevail.
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I laughed my ass off reading this…..
thanks..I was having a shitty day beforehand.
802 days ago by Jennifer
Super funny man. If we could only make these fetuses combat ready when they come out…..
796 days ago by Marco