Political analysis
REPUBLICAN CONVENTION ROUNDUP
- By Will Durst
- September 13, 2008
8.31.08
The Riverboat Gambler
He’s either a genius or an idiot. Brilliant or crazy. Political mastermind or stone crazed loon. Destined to go down as a real life visionary or the Banana Daiquiri Boy with attention deficit disorder who took down Karl Rove’s entire Republican machine with one swell foop. Could go either way. But one thing you have to give him, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain did not take the easy way out. Turns out he’s not just a Maverick, he’s a genuine riverboat gambler rolling the dice on a virtual unknown as his VP nominee. Former beauty queen, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, calls herself a “hockey mom,” which means we’re in good shape if we ever need someone to body check Russian President Medvedev. And she looks eminently more comfortable handling a gun than the current VP. She may not attract all that many disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters, but she could bolster Republican voting rolls by attracting Inuit Indians and fans of the “Legally Blonde” movies in unprecedented numbers. But, who knows? If she’s able to hold her own with Joe Biden in the debates and talks tough enough to convince the Christian Right she can actually implement those far right social policies of hers, McCain’s roll of the dice may have hit a hard way pass. Then again, he might have thrown snake eyes. If he’s right, he laughs all the way to the White House. Either way, the big winner in this one is Tina Fey, who can guest host Saturday Night Live and do her impression without even a cursory stop in the make up chair.
9.01.08
Packing List for St. Paul Republican National Convention
- Oxygen inhalers to counteract beer and lutefisk poisoning.
- Extra bumps on my credit card for price of admission to Charles Schultz Museum when convention gets really boring, which means pretty much any time during the four days.
- Noise canceling headphones in case someone decides to read the Party Platform out loud.
- A Minnesota Twins hat for John McCain.
- A really sharp stick in case either Larry Craig or Jack Abramoff try to show up.
- A pair of stridency shock collars for Mary Matalin & James Carville.
- A chamois in case Lynne Cheney’s hair helmet needs a quick shine.
- “Free Scooter Libby- Mission Accomplished!” sweatshirt.
- Lots and lots of Vivarin.
- Shorts, hiking boots and down vest in order to blend in outside the convention hall.
- Bad comb over and white shoes in order to blend in inside the convention center.
- One of Laura’s pantsuits for Sarah Palin. Not the weird blue one.
- “Best of The Replacements” CD.
- Pair of hearing aids for the candidate.
- Pair of earplugs in case I get caught on elevator with Chris Mathews.
- “Republicans Used To Do It From The Right But Not So Much Anymore” t- shirt.
- Portable personal industrial strength espresso machine in feeble attempt to stay alert.
10 Ways the Last Day of the Minnesota State Fair is Like the First Day of the Republican Convention
- At the MSF, the Miracle of Birth Center features calves and lambs.
- At the RNC, it’s more about the Palin brood.
- At the MSF, there’s a lot of bull crap being flung around and nobody makes a big deal out of it.
- At the RNC, same thing.
- At the MSF, the freak show features an attraction called The Human Blockhead.
- At the RNC, George W Bush checked in via satellite.
- At the MSF, the admission charge is eleven dollars.
- At the RNC, it only costs a tiny piece of your soul.
- At the MSF, they have a stand that offers Turkey- To- Go.
- At the RNC, Ann Coulter uses a charter plane.
- At the MSF, visitors flock to the Sheep Barn.
- At the RNC, the main focus is on the Delegate Hall.
- At the MSF, there’s a Free Karaoke Stage where drunken patrons mangle the simplest of songs.
- At the RNC, the Convention Stage is utilized by the rank and file to give speeches.
- At the MSF, you hold onto the bottom to eat the Spaghetti & Meatball Dinner- On- a- Stick.
- At the RNC, most of the sticks have been fully inserted.
- At the MSF, newborn piglets suckle at the teats of their mother sow.
- At the RNC, freshmen legislators party with Coca- Cola, AT&T and Mobile- Exxon.
- At the MSF, a big attraction is Bob’s Snake Zoo.
- At the RNC, the Snake Zoo is Karl’s.
9.01.08
The Roosting Storm
The Focus on the Family prayed for a storm of biblical proportions to disrupt Barack Obama’s outdoor acceptance speech in Denver, and bless their little hearts, they got one. Unfortunately the storm they summoned was the ghost of Katrina who sent her younger brother Gustav up the same watery chute she terrorized 3 years ago, postponing the party the Republicans were holding 1200 miles north at the headwaters of the Mississippi. Oh sure, NOW they pay attention to New Orleans. Wonder why that is? Oh yeah, that’s right. Eight weeks. Election. Thankfully, Gustav did not live up to his sister’s reputation as world- class bitch, so things are returning to normal up here in St. Paul. But normal might not be enough. Right now, the GOP brand is less popular than skunk flavored pudding. If it were a movie, it would “star” Robert Davi and go straight to video. They’ve lost 3 consecutive special congressional elections, and everybody up here snickered past the bathroom in the Minneapolis St Paul airport where Senator Larry Craig had his famous attack of restless leg syndrome. Not to mention this is where that bridge fell down over the Mississippi reminding Americans of the trillions we aren’t spending on infrastructure in order to defend the Iraqi Oil Ministry. Add to that Bush’s approval rating which barely rises above stomach cramps, and you have to wonder if the President really chose to address the convention by satellite or whether John McCain convinced him that St. Paul had been quarantined by an outbreak of plague infested rats. Wouldn’t be too far from the truth.
The Problem with that Polar Bear Hating Palin Person
Tonight will determine if Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential nod is unraveling like an old wool sweater during a brisk walk through a bramble patch. First off, there are questions as to how John McCain vetted the scrappy Governor of Alaska. He says he met her once. Some reports dispute the frequency. Either way, what was the deal: did they share a Happy Meal at some out of the way MacDonald’s, talk for twenty minutes, then he got up and said, “Okey Dokey Smokey?” You want to be a waiter at Ruby Tuesday, you got to go through three interviews. Personally, I think she scored high on his MILF list. Or maybe Karl Rove convinced him what Americans really long for is a Vice President who can shoot and field dress a moose, then cook up a roast you could die for. GOP talking heads keep saying that since she was mayor of a town of 8,000, and governor of a state of three fifths of a million people for 18 months proves she has executive experience. You know what, that’s more night- manager- at- Radio Shack kind of executive experience than CEO- of- a- multinational- corporation kind of executive experience. And just because Alaska is next to Russia doesn’t give her foreign policy experience. I lived next to a McDonald’s once, that doesn’t make me an expert on FDA regulations. Mostly, she seems to excite the Christian Right base with that whole five kids and high school daughter now pregnant and we’re keeping them all no matter what they look like, sort of thing: but to the left, she’s just another example of conservative head- in- the- sand denial.
Q. What do you call a mother who believes “Abstinence Only” is a birth control method?
A. Grandma.
Overheard at the Xcel Center
- “We’re the only ones in a neighborhood full of bleeding heart liberals. I told my daughter to take down the McCain sign and get the hell inside. ‘They’ll poison the dog.’”
- “$12 for a coffee mug?” “It will be a treasured memento, sir. Besides, money isn’t everything.” “Obviously you’re working the convention- not attending it.”
(two security guards talking) “So what does GOP stand for?” “I’m guessing… Government… Operations… Programs.” - “Sir, which part of ’No Food or Drink in the Seating Area’ do you not understand?” (hopefully) “The ‘No Drink’ part?”
- “That’s one of those Snoopy statues because Charlie Schultz was from around here.” “I think it was George Schultz.”
(one female delegate to another watching Sarah Palin rehearse at the podium) - “Her hair looks like a Grecian Urn.” “I think she’s going for the Nefertiti look.”
- “Can you imagine having that screen in your rec room?” * “I like the idea of a hockey mom. Kind of like a soccer mom with sharpened steel and a big stick.”
- “It’s all about food with her, isn’t it?”
- “Is it Pay- lin or Pah- lin?” “Pay- lin. Like the Monty Python guy.”
- “You see this? Something called the Log Cabin Republicans are holding a ‘Gay ‘Ol Reception’ tonight.” “Gay Republicans? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?” “I bet they like opera.” “Well, there’s two reasons for them to keep the &#*% out of Arkansas.”
Pit Bull with Lipstick
Well, now we know why she was nicknamed Sarah Barracuda. Last night Governor Palin proved that a former small town mayor from Alaska could hold her own with the former mayor of New York, Rudolph Giuliani, in the big time partisan red- meat sweepstakes, as they headlined a Murderer’s Row of GOP speakers who methodically eviscerated the twin scourges of conservatism today: Democratic candidate Barack Obama and the liberal media elite. In these politically swift moving waters it should come as no surprise that Palin- Palooza replaced Obama- Rama in the hearts and minds of America. Well, at least on their TV screens. We’ll find out about the latter later. In her almost- but- not- quite acceptance speech, presumptive Vice Presidential nominee Palin established herself as a formidable power hitter gunning for noted hardballer Joe Biden in their upcoming debate. But in her coming out party, she was as pert as a Meyer Lemon and as easy on the eyes as Key Lime Pie. Like Tiny Fey crossed with a shark. Pat Buchanan in heels. Christie Todd Whitman in a skirt. Apparently, being a hockey mom means chewing holes in your opponent’s stick. Or as she said; a pitbull with lipstick. Must be all those pucks to the head. She rallied the crowd into a frothing snarl by disemboweling the irresponsible media for having the audacity to question her experience. Apparently that’s sexist and you can’t ask her new boss how many houses he owns because he was a POW. Wow. The first off limits ticket. Nice work if you can get it. I’ll tell you one thing, I’d hate to be John McCain tonight. Think Loudon Wainwright. having to follow the Rolling Stones.
Party Pooper
Well, that clears things up like a fifty- pound bag of topsoil dumped from a garage roof into a kid’s blow- up wading pool on a cantilevered patio. John McCain, in his hour- long acceptance speech, attempted to convince the country that he isn’t just running against the Democrats but against the Republicans as well. It was the weirdest acceptance speech by a candidate for President since Michael Dukakis spoke for 45 minutes and failed to move his neck. Which was odd, but not as odd as the way the way- senior Senator from Arizona failed to even once mention the current President, George W Bush, by name. Neither did he mention George HW Bush, Jeb Bush, Laura Bush, Babs, the twins or the night blooming prickly bush thistle. As a matter of fact, there wasn’t a single mention of shrubbery, trees, vegetation, or plant- like flora of any kind and precious little about fauna such as Dick Cheney, Jack Abramoff or any other carnivorous invertebrate. McCain even warned Washington that change is coming. But this is not your Obama change. This is not new change. This is old change. And he and the Barracuda are just the folks who can change Washington with some of that old change, even though the party they represent has held the White House seven out of the last ten terms and Congress twelve out of the last fourteen years. McCain didn’t just stand up to his own party, he stood his own party up against the wall and slapped the crap out of them. And they applauded. The biggest surprise is how these clapping Republican Mavericks look exactly like the Republicans who voted in Bush the last two times. Canny of them to adopt such clever disguises. On an entirely unrelated note: turns out John McCain was a POW. Who knew?
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hahah! Two weeks of pure craziness. Loons on the left and retards on the right! fantastic write up.
119 days ago by BillyOMilly