Political analysis
My Mother Is A Feminist
- By Nancy Morgan
- November 12, 2007
My mother is a feminist. A die-hard, take no prisoners, true-blue feminist. Armed with a hard-won PhD., she has made her life’s work the counseling of the transgendered, the gay and the sexually confused. Honest work in which she is passionately invested. The only fly in the ointment is me, her conservative daughter.
I am as passionate a conservative as my mother is a feminist. It’s hard to imagine two more diametrically opposing viewpoints. I view the current state of feminism as doing more harm than good. As undermining the traditional and family values that I consider the backbone of our country. On the other hand, my mother considers conservative values as outdated, invalid, and as having absolutely no intrinsic value.
I understand how mom came to be such an ardent feminist. Though I thoroughly disagree with her views, I respect and admire the courage and sacrifices she made in attaining them.
She got pregnant at age 16. Back then, abortion wasn’t available on demand and the concept of shame still governed, which left the option of marriage. She dropped out of high school and got married. She had my sister, Bonnie, followed by Mickey, and then myself. All within a span of three years. She found herself at age 20 with three babies and a husband in the military.
Fast forward twelve years. The three children have become five and her husband has turned out to be a wife-beater. Tough spot. Enough to discourage the best of us. She found herself without a high school degree or any job skills, saddled with five children and totally dependent on the whims of an increasingly violent man. Pretty hopeless. Not unlike many women of her generation in the mid 60’s.
Along came feminism. The message resonated. How could it not? The budding women’s movement validated women like my mother. It gave them hope that they, too, were individuals, capable of managing life as well as men. Capable of managing life without men.
She divorced my father and got a job working as a waitress. She got her GED and then enrolled in college. All the while, managing to support and sustain her five children. By the luck of the draw, mom attended Antioch college in Ohio, now recognized as one of the most liberal of all colleges, thoroughly steeped in the nascent “progressive” movement. Mom took their message and teachings to heart.
Against great odds, my mother prevailed. She ended up with a PhD. and a worldview that understandably included a resentment of men. Not much different from other feminists of her time. The feminists that now represent “feminism”.
Unfortunately, the mindset of most feminists today do not allow conflicting points of views to upset their hard-won world view. In my experience, challenging any facet of feminism is taken as a personal attack. When what one thinks becomes what one is, it’s human nature to interpret dissenting views as a personal attack.
Politics have become personal. To challenge the world view of a conservative, a gay person, a feminist or any other “group” is considered a direct attack on not only the validity of the particular view, but an attack on the person holding them. Invalidate their views and you invalidate them. You invalidate their struggle, their sacrifices, their self esteem. You invalidate them. No wonder dissent isn’t welcome.
The core tenets of feminism have changed dramatically from the good old days when Gloria Steinam led the charge for equal rights for women. The days when the National Organization of Women actually represented the goals of the average woman. Feminism has evolved. So has my mother. The chasm between mother and daughter has widened. When she looks at me, she sees a conservative and wonders where she failed. When I look at her, I see her confusion and take it personally.
Having a feminist mother has forced me to make a genuine effort to try to understand a mindset totally at odds with my own. I now try understand the underpinnings of other views, the anti-American, Bush lied, 9-11 was an inside job type of view. Instead of writing these guys off as nut-cases, as my mother does me, I’ve found that it’s more productive to try to understand how one came to adopt what I consider such a radical mindset. Some times I am successful. Most times I am not. But I try.
My situation is not unlike that of many Americans these days. The war in Iraq, the increasing divide between red and blue states and the ongoing culture war is affecting many of us on a very personal level. Social interactions are increasingly defined by one’s views instead of one’s character. This is affecting families, marriages, business relationships and society as a whole. And not for the better.
It’s ever so easy to point out problems. It’s easy being a social critic, decrying this or that while gaining points for being insightful. It’s far harder to offer a remedy. My personal view dictates that I don’t have the right to criticize something unless I can offer a constructive solution. I’m sorry to say, with regards to my mother, who I love and respect, I have no solution to offer.
My mother and I don’t communicate anymore. We’ve failed to turn understanding into acceptance. I only hope others can learn what we have not – to communicate with loved ones and not let ideology rule your feelings towards them. I hope others can do what my mother and I cannot – concentrate on all our commonalties instead of focusing only on the things that divide us. I hope America can do the same.
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A sad, yet important lesson to be learned Nancy. Your mother sounds like many from her generation and it scares the crap out of me to think i will someday be sending my own children to colleges that prostelatize these radical viewpoints.
I will heed your advice and do my best to teach my children to remain grounded in thier principles, but open enough to listen to others so as to be more persuasive in varying points of view.
Keep reaching out to your mother. It’s the “right” thing to do.
283 days ago by Lucky
Your mom sounds like she is the one who does not have the open mind. I’m sure she has a side to the story as well, but you political differences should not be the chasm between you. What a sad situation.
282 days ago by Miller
I consider myself to be a feminist, but not the short haired, PMS, man hating type. I just believe that women are worthy creatures and deserve opporutnity. I think being a feminist means that you too have to see and HEAR the other side of the argument. Your mom sounds like the type of feminist I despise and feel ashamed to be associated with. I’m sorry for you in that regard.
280 days ago by Penny