Political analysis
20 Things That Should Happen Before Scooter Libby Is Pardoned
- By Andy The Intern
- March 17, 2007
Since big Dick’s former Chief of Staff Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury and obstruction of justice, many Republicans have called on President Bush to pardon him.
Bullshit. Many people sit in jail for doing far less. Scooter Libby broke the law. Here’s what needs to happen before this man should ever be considered for a pardon.
1. Discover a unicorn.
2. Discover a second unicorn, who must answer to the name “Harry.”
3. Hell freeze over, form it’s own hockey league, and then battle with Earth’s hockey teams in Mortal Kombat!
4. Officially change the spelling of combat to “Kombat!” Capital K and exclamation point included.
5. Inject me with some kind of chemical that makes me into DC Comics’ The Flash.
6. Surgically alter my body and face to look like Scooter Libby if he was a bear.
7. Find intelligent life on my penis.
8. In the event that #7 does not happen, create life-sustaining atmospshere on my penis, so that life may someday exist there.
9. Remove “Anything For Attention” Stick from Ann Coulter’s rear end. Try to return it for refund at Ass Sticks ‘R Us. Though, probably will be denied because of stores well known “You Hide It, You Buy’d It” policy.
10. Hollywood creates one good film adapted from a video game. Before some of you start trying to tell me that there are good ones out, remember, NO THERE AREN’T.
11. Old friends you meet in bars who say, “Yeah, let’s totally get together sometime! I’ll call you!”... those people actually call you.
12. The Fall Out Boy song “Sugar We’re Going Down” is named the greatest song of all time. This is quite a ways away from where it is now, which is shit.
13. Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell get a clue: no one gives a shit about either of you.
14. Anna Nicole Smith, her heirs, her diet, the contents of her kitchen cupboards … are no longer in the news.
15. Flying cars. Come on now, we’ve had plenty of time. 21st century = flying cars. I want a car that can transform and fly that I can name Starscream.*
16. Microsoft will upgrade software to make it more likeable.
17. Discover a unicorn that can help Microsoft improve thier software uprgrades.
18. Democrats get a clear, simple plan on anything, then stick with it no matter what. I don’t care if it’s “No Capri Pants For Men In America, “ just get one. And then Joe Lieberman switches parties. Not to Republican. To the Jewish Nazi party. It’s a small movement.
19. George W. Bush pardons himself. Out of office. No joke here, really. Just leave already.
20. I don’t know, cure a disease?
These seem like reasonable requests. More reasonable by comparison, anyway.
*More than meets the eye!
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Andy lays out a difficult gauntlet for Scooter Libby to traverse in order to reach a pardon, it is possible he can make headway until he reaches challenge number 18 “Democrats get a clear, simple plan on anything, then stick with it no matter what.” Given the nature of the Democratic party, this is a hurdle that no one can surmount. As Will Rogers put it, “I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat.”
614 days ago by James E. Fish